People besides you who have read that: 0
Yay I rule I gotta smoke.
Tyler
@Cauterised
Age 38, Male
Environmentalist
Is boring.
Long Beach, CA
Joined on 6/9/07
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Version2
I like the story, I like the dialog you have for your characters, it feels natural.
I think this would work better formatted. There are parts where you are describing what characters are doing in the scenes, and I thought it was the narrator talking. I would suggest putting your action in italics, and also putting names in bold so they stand out from the writing.
Gah, I wish this was in the writing forum, there's no HTML here for me to show you and example.
Also, stop ranting in the damn forums dude. Have some patience, there is a LOT of stuff on here to read, and there's only so much time that can be dedicated to reading and reviewing. Keeping plugging your work, make some friends, put your work in your sig, and review a bunch of other peoples work. I find that the best way to get reviews.
Cauterised
So you reviewed a piece that I already put into the writing forum so you could tell me to stop bitching about how badly the board was set up?
Hike, dude.